good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend