Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
More like Kate Missington.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order