Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here