Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
How do you like your Corgi?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*