Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me when my alarm goes off
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.