@Parentpains: Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn't have known they had a torso.
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@ericsshadow: [on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww
@IamEnidColeslaw: Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn't.
@sofarrsogud: #MarriedPeopleIssues You hang up.. No, you hang up... You hang up.... Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.
@Rollinintheseat: *Geography Bee* Judge: "Tell me about Yemen." Me: "Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn't breakup with Janice on Friends."