Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,