A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.