Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“OMGJK” -atheists
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.