Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Bike is short for Bichael.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside