Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.