Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies