Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.