good work, everybody
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
🏙👨🏼
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.