Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
this is how life feels
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.