Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Don’t make me out nice you.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁