@SoulYodeler: Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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@XplodingUnicorn: *quits Twitter to spend time with family* *remembers what family is like* *quits family for Twitter*
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
@InsouciantMan: Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day. How do you apologize properly for something like that?
@kjmeow: "FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched."