Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
no their not
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.