@Sassafrantz: Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.
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@david8hughes: [moses parts sea] Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids Moses: thats my only trick
@KeetPotato: doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"
@ilovepie84: Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You're welcome.
@Amusitr0n: If someone's embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, "It's ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby's"