Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.