@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
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@iGreenMonk: How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!
@WilliamAder: Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
@Thynebear: *cop approaches me* "have u seen this girl?" *holds up photo* "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" *hi-5* "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"
@AmishPornStar1: Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"