@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
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@Reverend_Scott: [praying mantis home] "Happy Mother's Day, mom" Aww, thank u, son "Mom, why did Dad leave?" [turns head away 180°] I was hungry
@OneToothTexan: People that drink Starbucks every morning, how do you decide which kid isn’t going to college?
@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing