@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
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@Prof_Hinkley: *my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald's parking lot but it's just me inside eating Big Macs*
@maebemarbles: Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
@david8hughes: *on deathbed* "Son u were *cough* ado-" "Dad? I was adopted?!" "A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don't know why we adopted u."