@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
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@SortaBad: "President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I would've been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said "I don't do romance" I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
@MrSpoonicorn: hey boy ;) is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register