@jazmasta: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
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@ObscureGent: Opponent: I wish you luck Me: Tha— Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse. Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
@maisonshouting: *thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
@XAIMMadellynne: I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return. What a stressful day!
@Gupton68: [Amazon marketing emails] ‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete* ‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete* ‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete* ‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—* *looks in mirror* Hmm *—add to basket*