[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Who knew!
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”