Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.