I hope google does well on my son’s test
You Might Also Like
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.