Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A wise man once said nothing.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.