I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.