Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Autocarrot sucks!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.