Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.