Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You Might Also Like
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*