Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
the red hot silly peppers
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies