*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I love you…
…r dog.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken