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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
went fishing caught a bass
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning