coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.