Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
This is enough internet for the day.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now