He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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British websites use biscuits.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”