Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”