Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
THIS HEADLINE
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock