@heatherlou_: Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub.
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@Fred_Delicious: "ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER" [spider removes earbuds] "yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
@Book_Krazy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
@ElgatoEsmio: We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER