@heatherlou_: Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub.
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@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues
@WilliamRodgers: Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon? Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
@LuvPug: It's like the people who drive Smart cars don't even realize that other cars are an option.
@DanMentos: [showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it’s walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing