And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
You Might Also Like
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
This makes total sense…
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*aggressively waits in line*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.