google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
This is my bus stop.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.