Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂