Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.