Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
*gets down on one knee*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
do u think theres a butter planet?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”