Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.