Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.