Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
girls literally only want one thing..
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.