Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Money is the root of all wealth
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.