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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What a chick magnet..
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive