[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
You Might Also Like
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that