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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.