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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Can’t. Being lazy.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero