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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you